Now, now, I am showing my age, my youth; all that I may even wrongly assume to be bad about it. In the last few blogs (however subtly, but I am sure you have noticed) all I did was whinge about hating my age and that I felt I was being lectured about it. It’s so childish to assume that just because a person is older and has an equally valid point of view, that it’s a lecture; it makes my skin crawl. This whole thing is the fault of my inferiority complex.
If I’d posted “Life Is A Beige Fish” I don’t think I would have got any more comments ever. Thank goodness the sense kicked in before that particular brand of tragedy.
Sometimes you get some really unexpected outcomes from things, sometimes good, sometimes bad; but I never expected to grow as a person because of my blog.
I’d forgotten some people already knew how old I was, and yet here they were, all the same. And me, thinking I was having the world on with my great maturity and lies.
It’s crap. It’s total crap. I should be the first to say that.
I thought I could pull it off because I thought I was mentally past that stage, I got called on that bluff and had to face a very big thing right here, on the internet, seemingly in front of everyone. And then, to top that off, to prove that I’m really not past it – I ran. As much as one does run on a webpage, I tried to avoid it altogether.
Oh yes, I know how important experience is. Any argument I have ever had with someone older than myself probably boils down to my lack of experience. I feel it in so many of my words and actions, especially when I am trying to omit my age. But as I have said to so many of my teachers when they offered me the same advice – I know I am in a rush to have that age and those experiences, and I know, whether that’s painfully slowly or all in a rush, it will come. This does not solve the problem of where I am now. People my age and younger will not accept me because I act older and older people will not accept me because I still am young.
I hope it all doesn’t matter in the end. I hope the echo of older wiser voices is right and people get over it and understand eventually. And I hope for dreaming of that I will not be disappointed by too much of the population. It’s not high school any more, right?
While we are on the topic of my mistaken assumptions…
I’m sorry that what I put on the Box may have incited anger from some people. I assure you that it was not meant that way. Although I can see how it could be seen that way and I am deeply regretful. I spent quite a long time trying to phrase that one paragraph objectively. I did not mean for one second to insult anyone’s project. The idea and the message behind it is very touching and I am sure it will all come together superbly. I to love the people on the box. I have not had the time nor the internet connection to spend enough time there to gain a deep connection, but I would like to. And what I have experienced has changed my perception of Amanda’s legacy if you will, and the internet at large. I only thought that I could offer some advice for once; for all the people that were as I was; but unfortunately it turns out I don’t have the experience to fully understand that either. I spent all my time on the blog fascinated by the fact that I didn’t know what was going on between myself and Amanda, and then professed to know how people felt about this book. I am a fool and for that I apologise.
I only hope I can create some better blogs in the future that are worthy of the time you put into your replies.
☆Anika☆
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ReplyDeletetwo entries at the time, and a change of your mind in between, meh, what should i comment...
Ok, first, I'm paternalistic because I am. I can't help it. with everyone. It doesn't mean I'm so much superior because I'm bloody 21. I'm just telling you what some things in my life made me think about it, but these thoughts are partial, and these experiences are only mine, scattered pieces.
Age is not a straight line on which you're a point, especially from teenage years onwards. From this age people keep diversifying, and they get very very different experiences of the world. I told you, i got some 16 years old friends in Melbourne that impressed me and had so much to teach me about life, because they had been living handicap, poverty, bohemian life, or just because we had different character, and my rainbow girl had has much to teach me about love than i had to teach her about sarcasm.You don't even have to have a tragic past to have something to say. You're unique by essence. Life or internet or anything is not (or should not be) a hierarchical place where the oldest tell the youngest to shut up because they know better. One's perception of the world is informed by the past experiences as well as the present and the possibilities of future, and therefore and adult may think they have more credibility because they have lived more, but first it can have been in another context or with other personnal desires, dreams or culture, second they say it from a different present (ie : they're struggling with money or not, so it's going to be for them a first priority), and third they don't have as many possibilities for the future (in terms of time or diversity of careers) so they don't have the same goals or dreams.
But everyone's point of view is valuable and should be listened to, and agreed on or not (and not on terms of age). You cannot just spend all your time feeling either much lower than everyone or much better than everyone. claim respect and show respect as well.
Yes i do find interest inyour blog, because i find a special tone of humanity, because I enjoy the writing, because I follow your life story avidly, and the interest is not heightened by a higher age or diminished by a lower age. Goddamnit i often find more common ground with younger people than me , and so WHAT ?
i guess i understand better why you feel so pressured about the singing thing. That's a fucking hard crux of your life. Though i think (as a friend, not as a superior older being) that somehow to succeed in such a hard thing you have to envision and plan for the case of failure. The way you're set now, it feels as if your life is going down the drain if you're not getting in. Of course it would be an immense dream to get in and i really really think you can do it, but maybe (because there are other very talented and hopeful contestants) you'll fail and you have to be prepared for this not to destroy you. You're all the more stressed now that it feels your life will be ruined if you don't get in. Yes it will be a substantial setback so your first aim shall be to get in, but life is full of surprises and sometimes you get to what you want through a longer road and learn all the more on the way. so think of plan Bs that are (of course not as good) but a confort, so that you can put all you energy on succeeding instead on putting it on preventing your life to become a disaster. You'll feel much more motivated and self confident.
and come on, don't take me too seriously, after all, I'm someone else's angsty youngster too !
Anika,
ReplyDeleteI just read your post on shadowbox, and I thank you for it, and I am, most of all, feeling angry with myself for being stupid.
That teaches me to be careful with my words.
When I say that angst is not a singularly teenage emotion, I wasn't lying. I have been experiencing a lot of it lately.
When I was a bit angry -- angry is not the right word again -- it wasn't at you, even, it was at the hard truth that you were making me look at again, and also -- I guess a bit of frustration. I really would like you to find what I've found on the Shadowbox, even if I have been drifting away recently. It's a good place.
You mustn't be so hard on yourself. I am having a particularly hard day today, and finally I said: I have a choice. I can sulk and fall into depression, as I tend to do, or I can forcibly, consciously rise out of this slump. And that's what I am trying to do.
Unfortunately you were caught in that slump, and my harsh words. I hope you can forgive me.
Do you see now that you are essential to this dialogue, for my self growth as well?
Lack of experience -- maybe in years, but in perspective and knowledge and expressiveness -- I would say that you more than make up for it.
I hope you keep on writing, and feeling as strongly as you do, and voicing whatever it is you feel, for people like me, who remain, somewhat emotionally restrained, and therefore somewhat emotionally crippled.
Be well, friend.