Time To Reflect

It is Tue- We- Thur- No. Now it is Friday.

I apologise for taking so long with this, a mammoth effort to get anything up this week, but I hope this makes up for it. A great start to my May blogs though.

On Sunday, I was still awake from Saturday, the party was still limply hanging around. Considering that Sunday did officially start at midnight, the night was certainly not as uneventful as my jetlagged mind might have me believe. There is still so much shit to work through before I get to the right now.

I am breaking my own rules in this paragraph, by saying something that I would not like my mother to hear, it would certainly not ruin my life, but is not something that I would make a point of telling her. I doubt I would ever be able to go to another one of these highly suspect parties. Which really wasn’t, but you can guarantee that she will read it the wrong way.

The thing (or lack thereof) with Mr. Crushing did resolve itself. Well, it was a group effort. We managed to get past our various arguments of what I want from him and him from me. The situation was to my advantage, but ended up, fortunately not quite what either of us would have picked, and yet perfectly taken advantage of. I know that doesn’t make much sense. But it was an important thing for both of us. We ended up crashing together on the lumpy couch under my duvet, in a nice friendly warm completely un-awkward or unnecessarily sexual heap.

It was profound in some ways. Although profound is not the right word. There was a mark of resolution. What I mean is there was something universal and comforting in that simple act, not that I slept, he did, but I could have, I felt safe. We both did. It assuaged all my doubts and anxieties about the whole matter. It was kind, it was humanly kind. It was just – right. I don’t know.

I just thought I might share with you this special peaceful good news.

Anyway, on that good note the party finished up well. I recovered from the 30 hours without sleep, with 13 hours on Sunday.

On Monday I awoke refreshed and annoyingly chirpy towards my wrecked friends. I was still a little sick, and, as I predicted, I did not attend my singing lesson. Surprisingly I still have SO MUCH to write about it has been making my head implode.

First of all I will try to deal with it one day at a time. Why things have to be done this way and why it has taken so long will soon become apparent. I just cannot wait to get this all done and posted.

Comments:

“Listen to the voices you like and ask yourself why you like them. Took me years to realize that I liked the emotion above all, and the technique was just to support that.” My little note after this quote which reminds me what to write about it says – “Yes yes yes”.

That is so true. This is what I like best of all too. Sort of in a different way, I want a song that I can see myself having a great time singing, using the emotion of the performer (and their voice) to create my own performance. With this ‘the first step is visualisation of your goals’ stuff (which I do mostly for the fun of it and not ‘cos I think it will work) I imagine myself up on a stage belting out the song. And if I can have fun doing that, if I can feel the emotion and the feeling, the power behind that song – then that makes it a favourite.

I also like songs which make me cry, which hit that spot that is so personal and connecting, which tug at the soul and urge you to do something inexplicable, to reach out to grab hold of the unknown and give it a sound shaking. Anything! Songs that have a place, an imagery a strong sentiment, a driving beat. It doesn’t have to be a motivational song; most of the songs that give me this feeling are either sad or angry. But they are passionate. They are so full of it and on point and passionate above all else. I want to write these, I want to perform these. I want some kid to pick up my album and hold it carefully in their hands, excited about what awaits them, I want people to listen to my songs and the songs I listened to, late at night when everyone is asleep with their mp3 player or discman on the lowest setting, yet with a sound that fills and plays their whole head – and they connect, with all the force and life changing gravity that I have had the gift of experiencing through Amanda.

It is a great and noble concept. The dream of many performers like myself before me. Somehow, as much as I don’t know you, the readers of this blog; you should know that it means the world to me to know that I have connected in a manner similar to that above, with you. Or at least I hope I have. I glow with a shining aura of rock love all the more for my experiences here with my blog. And it cannot be said enough.

I also have some updates on the fact I hinted at posting a song of mine here. I am still encouraged to go through with it. Although I am undecided as to what it should be. There are a few alternatives. A cover, of a few things (in order of proficiency):

Lisa Loeb – Stay

Regina Spector – Fidelity

The Dresden Dolls, featuring Me – ‘Depravity’ (Gravity with my humorous lyrics)

Camille – Ta Douleur

Magic Dirt – When I Say Your Name

or still going in order of proficiency, a plain somewhat scary vocal track of one of my own songs which captures the mood of the occasion:

‘Especially Not In The Summer’

‘The as yet unnamed wonder of the song I wrote at Sunday’s party.’
I would also supply lyrics for them, but only together with the track, and not before.

On Tuesday I woke up and I could not talk. It did not hurt when I yawned, or swallowed, breathed or mimed – just when I talked. I was effectively mute for half the day. I regained my voice just in time to sit for an hour and a half and stress out over my English essay. 1500 words on The Catcher In The Rye within the context of our theme “Identity and Belonging”. I had spent all my preparation time thinking that it was “Identity and Belonging” within the context of The Catcher In The Rye (entirely different and much much easier then the other way around) so I had to start again. 1500 words in… two and half hours, with no reference material on the larger theme. Shiiiit.

And I am sick. But you know, for the first time ever I am highly accepting of my sickness. So I am sick? So I have an English essay? So what? I won’t make it go away any faster by stressing out about it. I just have to wait it out. And now I am almost completely better. I used to go “Oh fuck this fucking sickness! If I was better everything else would be too! Fuck I feel awful! I hate myself! Grrr!” in almost exactly the same words. Acceptance is the key, everything has been mad so much easier by the fact I just forgot about it and dealt with it as best I could (lots of sleep and water). I do also see how this parallels to the rest of my life. Dammit. Karmic timing bullshit. Yes, yes, maybe I just do have to accept for now that I have a shit voice and get over it, practice more, etc. I’m scowling at the screen right now. But I can feel it unconsciously leeching into the rest of my life, one cannot argue with positive life lessons.

Wednesday was my metaphoric self’s birthday. As well as Amanda’s. Wonderful, wonderful interconnected story of how this came about. I am yet to wish her happy birthday on her new blog, but I thought of her during the day. The internet is also 15 today.

But back to the story of my metaphoric self.

It is strange that you should ask about my star chart, Idril, it so happens that I am very much into it, in a curious fashion. You are about to get a whole lot more than you asked for.

I was sitting at home, on the floor gazing listlessly out the window, one afternoon in 2006, wondering why no-one liked me and why I didn’t fit in. The usual. Fitting with my past theories about my maturity (although not completely unfounded) I sought to find a definitive date for when I should have been born, a date that would match with how old I was mentally. I calculated that I should be around 25, judging by my musical tastes, attitudes, opinions, and the age of people I had the best rapport with. But in order to make sure that it still worked with who I was, I looked for a date in the new edition of Parkers’ Astrology. I spent hours pouring over the guide trying to find a suitable date. There were certain things that I wanted to keep about my chart. I thought I should keep the main elements, the fact that I am a Taurus with a Gemini moon, and Mercury in Aries, which is a very powerful Gemini influence when combined with my Gemini ascendant. Hence Des, Oliver, Jane and MJ, not a split personality, more of a cleft. So I was looking and looking, the possibility of coming across a date between ’66 and ’76 with these aspects is near impossible by the way… and then I came upon this perfect date (I wish I had more stuff written down about my decision), it looks like so –

Sun – Taurus

Moon – Gemini

Mercury – Aries

Venus – Aries

Mars – Aries

Jupiter – Cancer

Saturn – Virgo

Uranus – Scorpio

Neptune – Sagittarius

Pluto – Libra

I was trying to get a picture of my outer projected mature self, rather than my true nature. Make what you will of the planetary conclusions.

My original chart looks like this, and I avoid giving you the actual date for paranoid internet security reasons, but if you have an almanac you can find it, and I will be talking about my upcoming birthday on here anyway.

Sun – Taurus

Moon – Gemini

Mercury – Aries

Venus – Cancer

Mars – Cancer

Jupiter – Leo

Saturn – Aquarius

Uranus – Capricorn

Neptune – Capricorn

Pluto – Scorpio

They may look a little contrasting, and/or completely foreign to someone not versed I astrology. I am not saying that I am an expert but I will try and give a vague (and really basic) run down and some key words. Anyone who wants to dispute it is obviously more knowledgeable on the subject than I am and doesn’t need this anyway.

Planets:

Sun – Basic nature

Moon – Emotions

Mercury – The mind

Venus – Relationships

Mars – Initiative

Jupiter – Expansion

Saturn – Limitations

Uranus – Change

Neptune – Imagination

Pluto – Elimination

Signs:

Aries – Hasty, determined, easily angered, active, impulsive, brave, selfish, quick.

Taurus – Possessive, earthy, steady, passionate, stubborn, practical, loving, indulgent, homely. (Taureans are also known for having soft melodious lovely voices, insert irony here)

Gemini – Talkative, emotional, flirty, flighty, superficial, conflicted.

Cancer – Intuitive, apprehensive, insecure, moody, nurturing, imaginative, intuitive, worried.

Leo – Bossy, uninhibited, determined, loud, expressive, organised, creative, enthusiastic.

Virgo – Worried, critical, practical, rational, particular, reliable, sharp.

Libra – Tactful, detached, indecisive, relaxed, sympathetic, calm, charming, social.

Scorpio – Emotional, powerful, sexual, overdramatic, cruel, energetic, jealous.

Sagittarius – Positive, jovial, foolhardy, dismissive, restless, irresponsible, versatile.

Capricorn – Cool, humorous, controlled, unemotional, complaining, proud, ambitious, calculated, under-confident.

Aquarius – Distant, defensive, conventional, glamorous, smart, friendly, honest, human.

Pisces – Selfless, unworldly, creative, sensitive, intuitive, deceptive, vague, weak-willed.

Anyway, (how many times have I used this damn word? 36, not so bad. But it’s so… uninventive) this date, right, turned out to be the 30^th of April 1979. The day Amanda was born and the year Brian was born. My real birthday is the same as Brian’s day. (Now there’s a dead giveaway). But how freaky is that? A year before I even knew about the Dolls. And, get this the day in 2006 when I looked for it was the 30^th of April. Coincidence?

On Thursday I woke up with a pain in the heart. Not metaphorically speaking. I was conscious of it as I was sleeping, every time I went to inhale deeply (as one does when sound asleep) I would be pulled back into consciousness by the feeling of someone twisting a knife deep in the spot where my fourth or fifth rib meets my sternum. All kinds of awful, as you may imagine. The good news was I could talk. It certainly taught me stomach breaking in a hurry, karmic lessons abound.

This was the first day that I actually got to sit down and blog for a bit, considering I had been thinking about it since Saturday, this was a great relief. But not as great as what allowed me to sit down and blog – the fact that my English teacher had given me the whole weekend to finish my essay, thoroughly achievable. And as I was sitting down at the computers and waiting for my bus after school I overheard a teacher trying to get a bunch of rowdy and resistant, but funny boys, to do their tests. One of them, after trying every excuse in the book, from needing a drink to being distracted by the big nose on the girl from the visiting school; finally exclaims, while wrestling with his inkless pen “This pen is affecting my learning Miss!” – the whole room burst out laughing.

Friday is actually, and finally, today’s date. I cannot remember how I woke up this morning. Relievedly? TGIF, (Thank God It’s Friday) eh? Reminds me of a joke: Why did the blonde have TGIF written on the top of her shoes? Toes Go In First.

I am sitting at my computer, which is omitting comforting deep whirs and clicks as I type. It is so sick of me not capitalising my ‘i’s (which i like the look of but cannot be stuffed holding down [Shift] for) it has given up. More irony? Please. I’m full up.

I actually felt like singing. None of that ‘spike in aspirational obligation’ stuff. By the way, aspirational is so a word Microsoft.

I feel completely empty of bloggable (also a word) things. It’s really taken it out of me. How are you all? I am accepting this intimacy between myself and my two readers, rather than acting like I have a large faceless hoard as Amanda sometimes alludes to.

I shall leave you instead with this random event.

I was fleshing out my profile for Blogger, seeing was I am getting a few hits, and reading ‘Sushi For Beginners’ by Marian Keyes (it’s an excellent book, I was just skimming through it for the first half, because it is enormous and I just needed some amusement, but I got completely sucked in and read the whole second half, luckily it is one of those books you can do that with) and… what was I getting at? Oh yeah, I borrowed it, last minute before my bus came, forgetting that I still hadn’t been to my locker for my bag. Did that, stepped outside – and it began to rain, heavily. It was about 8 degrees (46.4°F) outside and I was only wearing a kilt tights and a polo top, and I ran through this rain, full speed with my bag to the bus stop and the icy wind just blew straight up my skirt, and it was so invigorating. It was just this moment of clarity, of colours standing out like an over exposed photo, every sound played at the same volume and yet easily distinguishable, of a rush, a high, opening your arms to the world and saying “This is excellent! I’m so lucky to be here right now, I could do anything!” a moment where all your fears disappear, where I could kiss that random stranger, and no matter what look they gave me I would radiate back at them with the most joyous smile. Where in another life, I would have giggled to myself and jumped up and down on the balls of my feet going “Yee yee yee yee!” Who cares if that sounds crazy? Who even wants to know where it came from as long as it is? It will pass, but not in an abrupt fashion. I just felt so free, gifted and in control. I have the whole weekend, me!? And singing lessons on Monday – I am doing something, I am going somewhere, I have time, time to do my essay, time to blog, time to improve my voice, time before the imminent future…

Yay!

☆Anika☆