Before I begin, before I launch headfirst into this other bit with a lot of glee; let me just say of the last blog that it doesn’t bear the same weight as it used to, it has been a bad week, but this day, Sunday is the start of a far better one.
I have comments, he he ga ha ha ha! I am doing this in the moment, fuck the sleep deprivation! I am drunk. Well, no not really. I have procured my mother’s discarded glass of iced wine from the living room though. Amanda, you’re right, blogging and wine – excellent. Anyways…
Now I can reflect upon the reflection and see the results of my glorious experiment and foray into podcasting.
So many things to say… (this wine is going straight to my head)
We shall start at the beginning!
It is awesome that you can receive my blog and get on with your life at the same time. I realised how very much time I was taking out of a person’s life when I recorded my readings, those three constitute over 40 minutes of solid chatter! I remember hearing “painfully long” somewhere in there? A pained knowing smile is my only response to this. I can’t help it, and anyway, I hear the overall result is pretty good. I also admit that I am a fast talker (with all the connotations that brings) but I am pleased that I came off not altogether unintelligible which is a plus.
And yes, wow. Just amazing, you think about it, but you never know until you hear it right back at you from the other side of the world…
The glowing glory of comments indeed, and effortless reciprocation, as the title suggests.
The wallpaper will be changing again shortly. Slightly. I have been spending a bit of time engineering a more vivid better blended counterpart.
Ah yes, me, my voice, and Claire Hooper. I shall try and find her official site somewhere. (http://www.clairehooper.com/) I know her only through her work with Paul McDermott, whom I am a fan of, like Wil Anderson.
My voice is funny isn’t it? I should try and write out a podcast, start with audio and transcribe it rather than read a blog. Really does sound slightly British too, even to someone from
The intro for the podcasts… well, unsurprisingly there is quite a story behind that.
I was recording the podcasts and thinking about radio, and when I listened back to it, it just seemed a little strange to launch straight into the reading of the blog. I felt there should be a warning, an introduction, an identifying jingle. But where to get such a thing? What would it sound like? Who would play it? It had to have pianos, I knew that much. Piano is good, multipurpose, punk-cabaret, fits with my wallpaper. And then I remembered that I had played around with ringtones last year on my phone ringtone software. I searched the computer and turned up a recording from which the intro is sampled. So yes, it is of my own composition, and I played it, with the help of a computer program. Just two electric grand pianos, some wood block… a strange rambling piece that does not fit with any of my songs and so is only suited to an application such as this, something that will let it exist as a whole. I mean, how could it have been anything else than my own strange invention? I do believe you have heard my very first piece of practically applied purposeful music.
“And even in the dark” is a shade suspect isn’t it? Completely unintentional, but perhaps its unconscious undertones do convey my own. We’ll never know.
The job. The Future. Music. Etc. I have no real response to this. I am avoiding it at the moment. String Theory was my answer to my feelings on this of late. Although I feel a lot better now. I know it’s not the end. Not the be all and end all, but I don’t like to be left hanging out in the great void with no air. I know it could be something I haven’t even considered yet, some great twist of fate that will only happen when I get out there and fuck up a bunch of times, any or all of the careers I have considered. But I like to have things planned. And beyond all that I like to have a dream, and right about now I’m not even sure what that is. And don’t even talk about careers and “growing up”. I don’t regard now as childish, that’s not what it feels like to be older yet in this body. I get a bit more perspective, even if it does still feel incomplete; this is the now, my now, my adulthood’s dreams and my adolescence’s simultaneously. It’s painful, conflicting; I am 17, but I already feel like I have lost so much time, like I’ve got to my thirties and never even started, famous young bands evoke the same jealousy – what went wrong? It hurts, it really does.
Lyricist relies on meeting someone who can write music. Put up signs everywhere a few years back. “Lyricist seeks Punk/Rock/Goth/Grunge band” and a picture of a guitar to fill in space and then my mobile number. No-one ever called. Most people who are in a half successful band think they are lyrical geniuses anyway. Meaning doesn’t count for much these days; only in the starving minority, and that’s why the Dolls have such a great fan base. We are, they are, the Box is – a large chunk of the starving minority.
I, to a degree, might like to think that I am doing something about that.
Down with the man, and the wine is almost gone.
I meant the doctor comment in the way that my mother is a bit of naturalist, and believes doctors to be bad; and natural medicines to be far far preferable. And I have to agree, doctors and their huge mass market pharmaceutical companies can be quite evil.
Which brings me to
In response to the analysis: I definitely prefer adults, and this is the life my upbringing had me accustomed.
Speaking of adults and teachers; one of my beloved English teachers left this term. It was sad and I didn’t know what to say. At least I sort of knew this time, and I could think a goodbye even if I couldn’t verbalise one. There was this great montage like a prologue to the end of the year, a tableau of student and teachers going away for a while set to the pounding drums of “Are We The Waiting” by Green Day, on the day not entirely unlike the last day of term.
I identify with Daria a lot; of course I’ve heard of the series, I loved it! They’ve stopped showing it here, but I must have seen almost every episode.
Ah and about that, I have a little tangent to explain, brought on by watching the series return of Doctor Who, I’m a great fan of this also, that and David Tennant. I can’t help but find myself utterly besotted by him, he smiles and you can’t help but smirk back in reply. His expressions are so vivid and passionate, great actor, maybe even the best Doctor so far. But I noticed, and this is something common to quite a few of the Doctors, but executed best only by Mr. Tennant, that they like to boast. They save the day and with that great British inflection say “What did I tell you? I’m briw’yant!” And the best thing is it’s funny, it makes you smile. You don’t go “Oh yeah, right, sure.” You enjoy it, your respect for them grows just a tiny bit. You needn’t say anything, they are a confident, independent, good person and you like them for it. And of late, I have found myself doing the same thing. Unconsciously, when I’ve done something really beneficial and I know it, I’ll say something like that. It’s almost satirical; light-hearted, and offhand. I can make note of my accomplishments and spoof my own self-absorption in one. I don’t know how it’s gone down with my mother, but my school friends seem to find it quite amusing. And when I do this, just take that little bit of acclaim and spotlight every now and then, I’m not such a selfish egotistical person in other aspects.
This blog not an utter nest of self-indulgence and I am glad to hear it.
“You have a refreshing way of telling it all and scrutinizing it all, any little thought you may have, any event for lessons, and analyze it, put it into perspective, make fun of it, form it in a slightly distant, elaborate and sarcastic way with your words, that each time refresh my views about the world, life, and my life. I could say I generally feel more sane after reading your blog, because i get into your steady, argumentative mindset. Didn't i tell you so many times commenting you that it made me want to blog myself, to get through this process of "digestion" of things lived ?”
This is one of the best compliments I could have bestowed upon me. Thank you. I shan’t forget it, or where my talents lie, and the connection that I have achieved.
Ah but now it is
☆Anika☆
between 'Select' and 'Name' to play the file, or 
at the end to download, then wait for your link to appear.
Warning : paternalistic advices included eblow
ReplyDeletehello mighty blogger ! here comes a few random comments !!
On string theory, random comments :
About the teenager incident : i guess you took them a bit too seriously, which is
very generous for their soul, but, as it implies they might use logic or subtlety in
their reactions -which they don't-,seems to be quite an inefficient strategy. I
probably would have gone either ignoring them or being sarcastic with a hint of bored
annoyance in my voice... but still i don't know what the results would have been
then. In any case, you fell right well on your feet with your confrontation in the
end. A pretty prretty good way to end up any stupid gossipping or chattering and
showing this is just ridiculously overblowing something that needs not...
i like the image of the ball of string unravelling... It is the worst choice to make
in a life (like, a normal, warless life) : what you want to be or to do -until you
realize that most of it anyway is never gonna happen how they say it does.. You can
study something and end up in something totally different. start a job, get bored,
change totally. Go back studying when you're 27 and have found yourself. start a band
with some people, then do something else, then go back to music later on. Life is a
mess, and even if you make the right choices now.. it could very well fuck up.
Likewise, you could tae the wrong choice now.. and pull it off quite well. The most
important is to have some basic "life insurance" not to end up in a cycle of
stillness or misery you can't get out : a basic qualification, some steady friends, a
work experience, family, a good national social support... in fact good choices are
like good cards in a game : it's always useful, it makes things sometimes go
smoother, it represents assets you can put on the table in case of need... but it's
not what makes you win the game. And the experience you get from meandering can be
priceless.
But saying that, I find it great that you still question yourself. Of course this
statement is infuriating when you're into this moment, because it's not just doubt,
it's heart wrenching and gut squeezing and
oh-my-god-what-is-going-to-happen-to-me-now moments that are awful to live and
therefore it feels like being terribly sick and having the doctor telling you "oh
well, the fever is good for you, so let it sit". You just want to take an axe and
stab it in their face repeatitively. But still. I hate it when people never have
doubts. I hate it when I don't have a doubt. (stating it to prove i'm not just a lost
misanthropist). Most of these questions hurt because they are important questions,
and they need answers, and it's terribly right that you're asking that to yourself.
Especially before setting yourself on a long journey. But you don't need to pressure
yourself to get the "right" answer to them. They are important questions because
actually the process of finding the answers is a whole journey in itself and is going
to transform you. It is somehow the failibility of your life, of life, of things one
has to accept to, then, from that point on, do something amazing. And challenge the
not so glorious point it comes from. I mean, you've hear how they all say the same
thing "oh I always made music", or "oh I always wanted to be a singer"... Fuck that !
How awesome would it be to get to music and do something new and exciting out of it
and say "well actually i only thought about music late, i wanted to be a radio
host".. I mean, new trajectories bring new perspectives, which means new medias, new
ways of doing things, of conceiving things, exciting stuff ! And well...for the story
: here in France we have a version of American/Australian/etc Idol (just for music)
called La Nouvelle star. This year, it was a very talented and nice and funny and
authentic girl who won it. Hear me : usually I DON'T watch these things, but because
of her voice and sensitive personality i was watching it.
The day after she won she turned 29. she had only started singing some 5 years ago i
think. she had never done much music before. she was a waitress and thinking her life
had come to a dead end... and there she is now (a little clip of her :
http://wideo.nouvellestar.fr/video/iLyROoafYJXC.html )
Just the lesson : there is no right age to start. Just do what you like most, what
you think you can bring that is good and new and exciting and constructive. Being a
singer, a radio host, a teacher, a whatever you want.
When you say you're safe on this bus i totally understand what you mean (i feel this
way sometimes) and it makes me reflect on the real reasons for it, and envision a
reason i had never seen when it was for me : it feels safe because you had no choice
and therefore because you couldn't be wrong. There are not many alternatives to going
to school and all that matter, so it's somewhat easy to accept and deal with. Even if
it's shit, you can just think that it has to be this way anyway and everyone is in
the same situation. But then, after you leave school, it becomes your responsibility,
adn that's the scary scary part. Good reason to panic. From there on, it means that
whether it fucks up or succeed, it will be the result of the choices you made. That
life is going into your hands and, society's timing being awful, it is at this moment
where you have no idea how to make the right choices that you are supposed to make
the greatest of all (thought as i said, in fact it's not one big choice but a
succession of small choices from there on that will allow you to navigate at view in
this deep fog). And it's hard to accept, but you will eventually fail, and it will be
partly your fault, but it's not that bad. Really. You have to get to love
imperfection and the crazy randomness of life...
Wanting fame is not bad. But of course you have to ask yourself what you want to
bring to the people that would hear you, so that it has a positive impact. And not
only rely on that for your happiness (it could be treacherous for you, everyone has
to cross a desert once in a while). But it doesn't make you a bad person. Especially
if you think you have great ideas.
But I get what you mean by wanting a dream at least for a while. One can't go on
making choices if they don't know what it is that want most, what will make you
happy, in a word : the criteria on which to base your decision. Not having it, you
can't really be satisfied with your decisions... mh the only think i could maybe
propose as an advice is to try some things instead of thinking about them : the
pleasure of it is never the same accomplishing the task and thinking what you'd think
if you did it... and sometimes reality is more encouraging than what you think !
____
on glowing orb etc :
haha the contrast between the two entries couldn't be more striking ! Were you drunk
when you wrote it, when your ead it, or both ?? Hahah it was hilarious to listen to !
you're a crazy little elf ^^
hehe if i save time listening to the blog doing something else yes.. but oh my, it
still takes enormous time commenting on it all O_O .. but that's MY fault, i'm bloody
talkative. I can only blame myself on this one.
sometimes i should make comments comprised only of the words "*nod nod*" but i know
you would be terribly frustrated at them (especially as, with Musings' silence
recently, I bear alone the whole responsability for comments on your blog.. oh My
!!).
Hahaha you love your superlatives indeed, don't you ? You should TOTALLY be a
commercial for Blogspot and podcasts hahaha.
I finally found claire hooper on youtube (her site AND her myspace are quite dead),
and yes, there is a little ressemblance indeed, thought your voice is more steady and
less hoppy and jumping. More english in a way. (funny on the video i found she starts
talking about asking herself as a youngling what she wanted to do when she grew up :P
).
hehe i laughed when you said shit instead and started again :P haha is the audio
version the more honest version hehe.
Yes i totally know what you mean : needing a dream (as i remarked earlier), havingt
he impression of already being old and having ruined your life, the jealousy toward
young achieving people.. Damn it's buggered me for so long.. It's only very very
recnetly i started seeing things (at times) in a (slightly) alternative way, and
that's why I'm buggering you with all my pseudo paternalistic advices and such : just
to show you another side of the coin. It doesn't mean that what you're feeling now is
wrong or childish or whatever, but there is hope, and there is relativisation of that
and waysto get through.... I think. That sometimes when you look for recogition in a
form (fame or else) you'll in fact be content with another form of it (in the form of
love - in any type-, recognition from peers, things you achieved and are proud of
even if they're not in the top 10).. It's very weird when it happens. sometimes we
think we're looking for something but the answer is different and i'm not sure that
the people who got glory early finally found what they were expecting : love,
respect, a proof that they are needed and wanted and useful. Maybe they doubt it even
more now.. But I'm conflicted on all that, and part of me still rebels against the
aging, ambitionless part of me that is taking its eases, and never want to give up
dreams of absolutes and fame and changing the world, by principle, and therefore is
often frustrated... But i want to keep that in mind AND enjoy the present too.
bashing yourself up all the time is not useful nor comfortable (and i'm mostly
talking to myself now !).
Oh, by the way, music-matter : stumbling on youtube, i found this interview featuring
Kimya Dawson, a minimalistic and very sympathetic folk singer who did many songs on
Juno. she said something that sounded like an open door for you : "i can barely play
guitar, my music is all about the words". (see
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxvGlZfjBeY at 1:10). Of course you may not be into
the kind of music Kimya Dawson makes (ie : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKBS7YPNLPU
or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN6AhU10XmY&feature=related ), as I think she's
more of the messy kind and you more of the ordered kind, but that's an example of
someone who took her own path to music and is now living of it, AND without being the
best musician or singer ever, because she had a world she wanted to share with a
public... no shame or inhibition included (fortunately for those who love her).
Which leads me to another remark : finding a band. Bands are not readily available
anywhere, and even when they are, they don't necessarily fit. Finding people you want
to make music with can be a lengthy process... some people are lucky enough to find
the magic combination early, but some do actually take years, and change musicians or
bands, sometimes over dozens of years. It's not easy to find, and requires
persistance and hope. We had put ads everywhere to find a drummer, but it took
several month for ONE to call us (fortunately he was very fitting). AND I live in
quite a large city. You, living in a medium to small town, from your sayings, with
maybe not the most vivid musical scene, it is easy to imagine the right musicians to
come by. Especially if you display an usual project/tastes. But don't give up. First
of all you never know when or where the right person might come across. second, if
you achieve your dream of going to Melbourne (in a year, two years, whenever you get
to it), it will be LOADs easier. Melbourne is a city where practically anyone has
some skill at an instrument (even just strumming a few chords, which might be in fact
quite enough) and where people feel less shame producing themselves in front of an
improvised audience (think warehouses and street gigs), or cumulating bands they
participate into. And while you keep searching for your musician counterpart, eep
developpoing your own skills, eventually display them (participate to slams,
readings, a capella sinbging, myspace, whatever) so that they could be caught more
readily in your net (an ad with the picture of a guitar might not be quite evocative
of what the special universe you want to create). Just try and learn from the
experiences... ^^ and never let it go.
a note too : when putting ads try to be as specific as you can about what you're
into, your skills and your projects. It might repel quite a few, but who anyway
wouldn't have fitted, but it could attract the right ones way, waaay better.
And by the way : ever tried looking for a fellow musician on the shadow box ?
ooooooh yeah i see, one of my housemates in Melbourne had a sandwich press machine
hehe ... but still.. spaghetti ... in toast... weeeeeeiiiiiiiiird.
hehe i never saw doctor who ! hehe have you ever seen Little Britain ? Hahah I looove
that, the ironic self indulgence.. I often do it too, to purge my ego out while still
not taking myself too seriously. It's a blessing. Too bad thought some people
actually don't get it at times (and it's so hard sometimes to render through internet
conversations !). Funny thing is that an article on the Dolls featured on their
myspace says a bit the same about amanda :
http://www.jambase.com/Articles/14190/The-Dresden-Dolls-Art-Brats-and-Rock-Theatrics
"She oozes self-confidence through her throaty voice and I-don't-give-a-fuck stage
attitude, but always balances this with a boisterous and slightly self-deprecating
sense of humor." Isn't it ? it is a marvellous balance that let you be free and free
the other of any invasion of a mighty dominant ego, but let you be yourself and proud
of it . Great isn't it ?
You're welcome ^^
see you !!
and sorry for the weird format, i wrote it on on the notepad function, but forgot to take off the "automatic return" before copying and pasting it ! sorry for the annoyance !
ReplyDelete