Right Now (I Want)

Right now I am lying on my back, in my bed, a little cold since I just got up to grab my phone. It is 11:46 pm, I don’t care. Having got into my natural sleeping pattern 2 am till 11 pm, I probably won’t feel tired for a while. I was having some thoughts, firstly that I am living for my blog and probably boring you all to death in the process, and that all the directories I submitted myself to have done nothing, and secondly about a song. A song that I would be writing now was my mother not sick and lying in bed right now cursing my name for not letting her sleep. It is my own song, one that happened during the writing of Deconstruction. I did indeed finish my song about Melbourne, but I am admittedly not that keen on it. But after having a good old technological purge about it, lyrics started pouring from me organically. Long rhythmic strings of distorted grungy folk song sung with a rock-chick meets Bronx street sort of flavour. A variety of music I as yet haven’t explored. I wanted to grab myself some chopsticks and tin cans, slap my hands on my knees, pound the large plastic rubbish bin for base, strum at my mother’s out of tune guitar regardless and create this magnificent riff on the only instrument I can really play – the harmonica. What a great bluesy wholly within my means song this could be.

I want to buy a piano. A little Casio with some virtual instruments, I’m sure if it was there I could learn or at least crank out something half decent and in the spirit of the feeling. I never had a real instrument in the family.

I want to buy a better microphone for my computer.

I want to take my laptop to school and sample my dance track of sharps and flats, I want to remix it, produce it and call it just that.

I want to be able to do death metal, girly pop, rock, cabaret, grunge, show-tunes, punk and blues.

I want someone to sing with me, anyone, who doesn’t think I ruin their voice or the song.

I want to be able to share my songs again.

I want to finally hand that girl whom I don’t like talking about on here that note about still feeling her absence. I wanted to care enough to hand her the first draft in the two seconds she loitered near the teachers’ office near my locker.

I wanted her to be my base player not Sims 2’s idea of Mary~Jane.

I want to be a one woman empire and finally direct all my music videos, despite what they might say about me holding a cigarette in one of them.

I want to be controversial and brave.

I want to take some steps towards my dream. I realised tonight that it has to be done in baby steps.

I want to try and live with my grandmother, or at least live in Melbourne for more than three days. Alone. Without my mother. The idea of stepping off a tram onto Elizabeth St makes me smile so wide even now.

I want to visit Myers.

I want to take charge. I can imagine living in my own Granny flat at the back of my grandmother’s, filled with my own carefully selected lot of tasteful modern package deal furniture, as being one of the happiest and possibly most fulfilling times in my life. All my frustrated Taurean home energies from the cubby house that never got built and the room that never got renovated. Travelling by my own means, no-one (although clichéd) telling me what to do, my OWN university experience. I could almost enjoy having no purpose to answer to if that was the life I started in. And I could stay as long as I wanted to.

I want to do this.

I want to throw all my careers advice leaflets in the microwave along with the sports pendants and strings of pearls.

God save us all.

☆