Inevitability

The description of this post which I left for myself in my long absence reads “Inevitability. Releasing the songs.” The irony would perhaps be more poignant if it read “Inevitability: releasing the songs.”

Apparently “greatness finds a way”, so this may well be how greatness was destined to find its way. Or this may not be the way, but it can’t hurt to help it along a bit. Or perhaps my posting of this reveals my doubts about it finding its way at all. If I truly believed it was worthy I would not worry about whether it would find its way, because as a quality piece of art this would be its right. But I do worry, for if greatness finds a way, the inverse must also be true, and unworthiness must forever rot in the dust. And I am not sure which category myself and my lyrics fall into.

I have toyed with this post in my head for a very long time. How to do this. Where to start. And most troublingly, which song to start with. My plan is thus, as it always was if I ever decided to do this: I shall bring you a new song each week. Every Monday there shall be a little story, a few liner notes about the song and its making, followed by the lyrics. In the podcast you shall hear me read them out as a poem, not sing them. And eventually; over one year, six months and three weeks; you shall be privy to all 79 of them. I shall start as of Monday the 11^th of January 2010 (as that’s what the coming Monday was at the time this was written) and bring you one in this post, and one on Monday the 18^th and all the Mondays thereafter until there are no more left to share. Then I shall decide their fate.

Honestly, there never really was a question about what song I was going to start with. The song that I always wanted to actualise, above all the others, if ever only this one, was the one that told the whole story: ‘Careers Advice’. I remember writing this so vividly, so fondly. I was 16. It was the day of the regional ‘Voice’ auditions (the town’s equivalent of Idol). I was going to sing ‘My Alcoholic Friends’ by the Dresden Dolls. After consulting the music teacher, I had spent many hours trying to produce a good karaoke track for it. I had my little CD tucked away in its green case in my bag. I was nervous the whole day. The auditions were to be held at lunchtime in the music room. It was recess and I was sitting in the VCE (Year 12) centre study hall, stewing, looking at the clock. And then the first lines came to me. Just like that, “I’ll sit and watch the clock / While it counts away my days” and then it began to write itself.

“Careers Advice”

I’ll sit and watch the clock

While it counts away my days

As future that I found myself

Edges closer to the drain

Though I might have the ca - pacity

It’s only ’cos they said

That I could do oh, anything

And I doesn’t count a bit

If I’m relaxed or all alone

’Cos everyone is better

When they practice in their livin’ rooms

But still I think I’d like to do, this thing

Point the limelight in my direction

I’m ready to begin!

[Chorus:]

I really quite enjoy this

I love the audience

I’d like to thank you all for comin’

But I’d appreciate it if

You didn’t stare so much

Laugh so much

Sigh and

Yell and

Jeer and

Point so much

This really could be pleasurable

If m’body don’t defy me

You’ve gotta please believe me

It’s just the chemicals

Or somethin’ else…

But if I gather my natu’ral talents

Put them in a box

Can I sell them for the price

Of what I really want?

So instead of livin’ through the others

Whom still might have a chance

I’m clinging to the hope

That I’ll be dragged up

By someone already there

And I swear I’m not so crazy

When I say they’re out to get me

My, worst enemy

Is bookin’ seats, in the front row

[Chorus:]

I really quite enjoy this

I love most of the audience

I’d like to thank you all for comin’

But I’d appreciate it if

You didn’t stare so much

Laugh so much

Sigh and

Yell and

Jeer and

Point so much

This really could be pleasurable

If m’body don’t defy me

You’ve gotta please believe me

It’s just the chemicals

Or somethin’ else…

You know she would have

Been so smart (oh yeah)

If she wasn’t attracted to

The things she wasn’t good at (uh huh)

And if I could’ve saved her

I would’ve done my best (mmm hm)

It is such a tragedy (uh!)

The way things ended up

[Chorus:]

I really quite enjoy this

I love the audience

I’d like to thank you all for comin’

But I’d appreciate it if

You didn’t stare so much

Laugh so much

Sigh and

Yell and

Jeer and

Point so much

This really could be pleasurable

If my’ody don’t defy me

You’ve gotta please believe me

It’s just the chemicals

Or somethin’ else…

On this day, pen and paper were found quickly, and in the hours leading up to the audition, and perhaps a few afterwards – the whole song was written. I loved doing it. Back then. When it was easy. When my golden rule and measure of a song’s efficiency was “one page, one hour”. I love this song, the rightness of it, the feeling I got letting the words flow forth, and how I captured the moment. The embarrassment, the ultimatum of the audition. The pressure and the fact that my mother said that I could do anything I set my mind to – except this – retorts my mind. My practicing and attention seeking, the nervousness of my body uncontrolled by my mind. And then that dream, me up on the stage at the school assembly pouring my heart out to the crowd. I wrote of my willingness to throw it all away, the fact my friend, a long unrequited love and an acrimonious break-up was sitting there watching me sing, which is the most soul-bearing thing for me. The girlfriend of then, and unknowingly, the boyfriend of now, whom both have musical talent, and whom I clung to. And then slower, sadder, a dirge; imagining how it all ends up. The voice of my conscience, the voice of my mother, the voice of truth, interspersed with the voice of myself, an uncaring mourner for my better judgement: “You know she would have / Been so smart (oh yeah) / If she wasn’t attracted to / The things she wasn’t good at”.


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